Truce
by theway.youare13
Summary: post 21x09, the squad finds Amanda.
1. Chapter 1

_**Hey there! Happy new year! This is not one of my best stories. No, I'm not fishing for compliments… just saying that… I'm aware it's not the best. Truth is… I was hoping to read many stories about the cliffhanger of episode 21x09. But Christmas is always a busy time, isn't it?**_

_**Anyway, thank you to the guest comment that once said I never use punctuation in my dialogues. I've never noticed that until then! **_

The squad has been in a rush for the past two days, everyone worried sick about the blonde detective, perfectly aware that Bucci would do anything at this point. So many questions unanswered, but the priority was yet to give Amanda the attention she deserved, when they finally managed to locate them.

Amanda was handcuffed and just about to be locked in the car again, when they apprehended Bucci. They arrested him as he was outside the car, while Amanda was safe inside.

"I'm fine!" Amanda certified as soon as they found her. Her tone was confident, probably even convincing for those who didn't know Rollins.

Even though Olivia tried not to show it, the reminiscence of her own assault was obviously playing in her mind as she struggled to take actions. Fin was the one who managed to bust Bucci and was making sure he was handled. That's how Kat ended up being the one actually approaching Amanda first. The blonde was almost grateful that Liv didn't have to uncuff her.

"Here, I got ya!" Kat announced as she opened the car's door and freed Amanda's hands.

The blonde offered a nod, still avoiding any kind of eye contact.

"Are you ok?" Kat finally questioned, a little unsure if she should ask.

"I'm ok!" Amanda repeated with a steady voice and a little too much assurance.

Olivia was taking a few seconds to decide how best she would handle Amanda. She knew all too well that the more her subordinate hid her emotions, the worst she felt. It didn't matter how close she'd become with Amanda over the years, every time the blonde felt vulnerable, she would shield herself from the world.

"I'm taking you to the hospital!" Olivia gently announced, almost sorry for not being able to offer a kind word to her friend, her own captain role taking the precedence.

That's when Amanda froze. "I'm not… I don't need to.."

"It's mandatory!" Olivia instructed kindly.

The blonde didn't know how long she would be able to stay composed now.

"I'm sorry I can't give you a choice on this one!" Olivia reached out her hands to help Amanda out of the car.

Amanda refused the help though, and managed to get out of the car by herself, as stoic as ever, as if the fear was still preventing her from being human.

But she didn't even make two steps before her legs refused to collaborate. Hopefully, both Kat and Olivia were quick to steady her.

"Easy!" Both women hoping Amanda would let them help.

"I want to see my girls!" Amanda finally cried. "Where are my…"

"They're fine, Jesse and Billie are okay. They stayed with me last night, and they're with Carisi right now!" Olivia assured, desperately trying to establish eye contact.

_Last night._ Amanda's mind was struggling to pretend last night didn't happen and yet there were too many pieces of information her brain was trying to deal with. Right now she felt like a horrible mother on top of it all.

"Amanda look at me!" Olivia finally pleaded.

"You don't want your baby girls to see you like this. You need to make sure you're okay first, right?"

"Like what?!" Amanda provoked. _Like a victim. Like a failure. Like a week woman. Like shit. _

She wondered to which one of her defeats was Olivia referring right now?

"Don't…" Olivia whispered, her voice cracking, as if she was reading the blonde's mind. "What I mean is.."

"Whatever!" Amanda interrupted. This one too, was a battle she had no chances to win. It was indeed mandatory and she was perfectly aware of that. "Let's get this over with!", she dryly said, trying to free herself from Kat and Liv. Amanda had been playing tough for two days now, she would be able to carry on a few more hours, until they would finally allow her to be alone.

Amanda had made clear she wasn't allowing Olivia to come in with her in the examination room at the ER.

After a while, a male doctor exited the room and Olivia tried to make her way in but was denied access.

"I'm sorry, Miss Rollins explicitely asked to be left alone."

"How is she?"

"Stubborn!" the doctor stated, almost offended. Even though it was far from professional, it made Olivia smile a little. Amanda had never been easy to handle, and probably never would be. The brunette decided to ignore the doctor's comment and knocked at the door.

"It's Olivia, can I come in?"

"Olivia Benson is above any law!" Amanda muttered.

"It that's not what you want, I'll stay outside honey…"

Amanda was lying on the examination table, staring at the ceiling, indifferent.

"What did the doctor say?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know?" Olivia finally allowed herself in, obviously worried about Amanda's way of dealing with things. At first, she thought it was just a tactic in order not to answer any more questions.

"I don't know Liv. I can't seem to focus. I only want to go home now."

The same doctor as before came back with backup.

"Michael Norris.."

"A shrink?! You brought me a shrink?!" Amanda interrupted right away. "Oh god, can this day become any worse?" Amanda finally sighed, looking at Olivia for any kind of help at this point.

Olivia, puzzled herself, was waiting for more context of the situation.

"Miss Rollins refused any kind of medication, barely let me examine her, and asked for the discharging papers! At this point, I cannot…"

"Will you give us a minute?" Olivia asked with what sounded more like an affirmation.

"I don't know how long I can take this Olivia. Don't I deserve some kind of peace?"

"Why didn't you let the doctor examine you?"

I don't want no pills! I'm exhausted. I just want to see my girls. Don't you get that?!"

Olivia reminded all too well how excruciating it felt like to actually be free and not being taken seriously. Amanda's control has been taken away from her, for two whole days. And now, she was being treated like she had no say in the course of events.

Olivia grabbed her friends hand. "Let me just start by saying I'm sorry I've not been handling this whole thing better. I've been…. I was… I'm… _I was so worried, I'm glad you're okay. _Olivia heard this so many times after Lewis, but it never helped. All she wanted was… her freedom, space, and time, none of which she was giving to Rollins.

"Let's just do what works for you!" Olivia assured.

"I'm okay Liv.. this wasn't as bad as.." Suddenly, Amanda realized how the recent event must have impacted on Olivia's set of mind.

"I'm doing a lousy job at supporting you." Olivia admitted.

"I'm not hurt. I don't need to be here!" Amanda assured.

"Can you let the doctors check that, so that the department is covered? I promise once you let him assert that you've been examined, I will take you home myself, even if it is against medical advice." Of course, Olivia hated to ask this, but she was a captain and there was no way around it.

"All right..", Amanda agreed, appreciating both Olivia's honesty and consideration.

"As for your daughters, well, Carisi can take them to you if you want after that. They're asleep and they're safe and they believe you are working."

"Maybe…. It's best if I see them tomorrow?!" Amanda reasoned. "Thank you for not asking a million question. I feel numb. And I just want to get some rest before…"

_Before all those feeling of yours come back to the surface and prevent you to enjoy a needed truce. _Olivia wanted to answer. "I get that!", she smiled instead.


	2. Chapter 2

-"Hey Liv ! I just wanted to check in ? How's Amanda ?", Fin asked over the phone.

-"I don't know Fin, she's sleeping. We're at my place. Give me a sec, I'll go check on her."

Amanda had finally decided it would be harder to get back to her place knowing her girls wouldn't be there. It was almost a little past 1AM when they made it home and she was barely able to take a shower before heading straight to bed. It was like her body shut down the second she knew it was finally ok for her to do so. Nine hours later, Amanda had still not moved from her curled up position. She looked both vulnerable and peaceful inside Olivia's king size bed.

-"I don't want to wake her. The doctor said she's suffering from exhaustion and dehydration."

He wanted to keep her overnight but Olivia promised she'd take her friend home, and so did she.

-"Let her sleep! Bucci's still intoxicated, we tried but he was in no state of mind to be interviewed. I let you know when I have more."

-"I want to be there for the interview. I.."

-"No Liv, take care of Amanda, there's no one else she'll trust right now. Her therapist is still in shock herself."

About that, Olivia had so many questions on her mind. She didn't even know Amanda was seeing a therapist. Was Amanda going through a hard time without her even noticing? Olivia did feel like she was failing her friend on so many levels. It was true, they had become closer, but somehow, the detective always appeared closed down around her. Well, around anyone, to be honest.

-"I'm not sure Fin."

-"Well, if you can't trust your instincts, trust mine instead! I'll keep you posted." With that, he hung up.

When Amanda woke up, she took a while before exiting Olivia's room. Until now, she avoided talking about what happened and it felt right. She was fine, or so she kept telling herself. No harm was made. She just wished she could leave things at that because every time someone pushed her to welcome her feelings, she'd feel a thousand time worse. This time though, she wouldn't give in. Nobody should have the power to make her feel like crap when she didn't.

-"Hey, you're awake!" Olivia welcomed casually.

Amanda took a breath, resolved to set things straight.

-"Can we… not do that?"

-"I'm not understanding, not do what?"

-"Not make that big of a deal of what happened."

-"I'm just saying good morning." It was clear to Olivia that Amanda had chosen to deal with the recent trauma like she usually does: pretending nothing happened. The immense worry it caused for the captain made it really hard to keep smiling, but Olivia knew whatever she'd say now, would be to no use. Everything, starting from Amanda's rigid body language, made it clear she was not going to let herself fall apart.

-"Yeah but I already know where this is going. You'll try to feed me breakfast, even though I'm not hungry and then you won't stop until I talk things through. Amanda was done with talking. As a matter of fact, the first thing she'd do would be cancelling her next appoint with her therapist. It was pretty obvious that the woman couldn't handle Amanda. She almost couldn't handle herself when Bucci interrupted their session. Amanda would never trust her, or anyone again for that matter.

-"I see you've got all things figured out already!"

At this point, all Amanda had to offer was a solid stare.

-"Coffee?" Olivia attempted, deciding to ignore Amanda's attitude. If this was how Noah would behave during his teenagers years, than she'd better find a better stratagem to communicate, she thought to herself.

"Hmm.. yeah, I'd love some coffee." Amanda answered, a little uncomfortable. Olivia was perfect, as always and she almost regretted picking up on her.

A few hours late, Amanda was home, reunited with her girls. Jesse was brought to her right after preschool and she cancelled Billie's babysitter so she could spend some quality time with both of her daughters.

"Mama, I'm not hungry anymore!" Jesse lamented

"Sorry, what?!" Amanda found it really hard to stay focused. Even though she was glad to be back home, something didn't feel right, and she couldn't figure out what.

"Mama!" Jesse insisted.

"Yes baby?"

"I'm not hungry!" the little blonde repeated, adding a pouting face to reinforce her misery.

"But you gotta eat to be strong!" Amanda said in a goofy voice. She couldn't count how many times she'd divert the focus in order to avoid conflict. It usually worked great, but not this time.

"Why aren't you eating then?" Jesse asked in a provocative tone.

Al loss for words, she sighed. That's when Billie decided she'd threw a tantrum, just to make sure she wasn't forgotten.

"What about you? Why are you upset?! Hmm?!" Amanda asked as she picked up the crying girl from her baby chair.

"I don't like this food!" Jesse was as stubborn as her mother, that was for sure.

"Come on, baby, it's gonna be late, let's get you in the shower, if you're not hungry anymore!" Amanda gave in.

"I don't want to shower!" Jesse grumbled one more time.

"Not even if we play with the special bubbles?" Again, Amanda tried to brighten the mood, but nothing seemed to be working. She wasn't good enough… not even to raise her daughters. The tired mother shook her head, determined not to go down this road. But out of nowhere, a lump on her throat made it hard to take a breath. _You can't even feed your kids, that's how useless you are._ Amanda hadn't been able to eat anything since she had been rescued last night and she was feeling a little light headed. Once again, she tried to push through the anguish preventing her from appreciating the present moment. It hurt. She didn't know what exactly hurt, but she couldn't shake it off. It was everywhere under her skin, through her veins, it just hurt so much.

When a mousy sob escaped her lips, she was quick to place a hand over her mouth, to prevent any other sound to escape.

"Mommy, did you get an owie?!" Jesse asked in concern.

"Yes, mummy just hit her hand over the table. That's ok though!" She lied.

Jesse took her mum's hand and blew a kiss upon it. "Here, all better!" the little girl responded with all the innocence in the world. And just like that, she was in a good mood again. Amanda offered a smile, even though her whole being was threatening to shatter any minute now. This wasn't ok, and has it been for herself alone, she'd have just done whatever stupid thing crossed her mind to make the pain go away. But there were Jesse and Billie, and they didn't deserve to see her falling apart. She needed help, and she needed it right now.

"I need you to come over ASAP", she texted Olivia. "Please."

Olivia's eyes grew wilder as she noticed Amanda's message and of course she called her back right away.

"Amanda, what's going on?"

"I.. would you.." There wasn't much she could say with her daughters around. Jesse picked up on absolutely anything.

"Amanda, what's going on? Where are Jesse and Billie?

"Hmm… I'm just about to put them to bed… Wanna say hi to untie Olivia?"

"Hi Livia"

"Hi beautiful… have a good night sleep!"

"you too Livia"

"Give me twenty!" Olivia finally texted back, doing her best to hurry.

The captain was careful not to ring the bell. But soon she guessed that the girls weren't asleep. As a matter of fact, it sounded like a children's birthday was happening inside Amanda's apartment, judging by the piercing screaming she could hear.

Both women exchanged "the look"… the one who meant: I know the feeling sister, I've been where you are!

Olivia offered a compassionate smile, hoping it'd express her support.

"Hey Livia" Jesse welcomed with vitality to the brunette's amusement.

Even though Amanda was trying to smile back, her eyes were telling a different story. As if she was at war with herself and had already lost the battle. As if there was nothing more she had to give. As if she'd seen too much. Her instincts were fighting not to let that show and she was functioning in autopilot. The sassy warrior, strong willed woman, spunky mother was nowhere to be seen.

Olivia hesitated for a few seconds, not sure on whether she should handle the daughters or Amanda first.

"I've been wanting to read a special story, about tigers and leopards"

"Mama, she knows the story!" Jesse lightened up, jumping around the room.

"She sure does!" Amanda exclaimed merrily. Inside her body though, it felt like a fist had been thrown to her guts.

"But Noah is too big now, and I don't know who I could read it to?" Olivia's sad voice almost earned a real smile from Amanda.

"Me, me, I want the story about the tiger!" Jesse shouted eagerly.

"All right then… so how about… you give mama a kiss, brush your teeth, and when you're all ready to bed, I'll read it to you?"

"Yes, mama can she? Can she read it to me?"

"Of course she can! Sweet dreams baby girl!"

"I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this" in a crouched position behind her bedroom door, Amanda was slowly but surely loosing contact with the outside world.

Olivia lowered herself in order to grab Amanda's hands. Without speaking too loud, she needed to know if the exhausted woman would be able to resist a few more minutes.

"Amanda hey… I need you to be honest right now… Do you think you can manage for a little while? Until Jesse is asleep?

"I…" Amanda wanted to nod. She wanted to say she was fine. She wanted to say she was able to wait, but the truce was broken and she was too far gone.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey Fin!" Olivia called. "I'm at Amanda's. How long would it take for you to come by?"

Even though she was unable to form a coherent sentence, Amanda didn't miss to protest.

Olivia didn't give her a choice though. The young detective had been under an extremely stressful situation and she deserved to be taken care of without minimalizing her needs for the sake of her children.

"Thirty minutes, less if I use the siren."

"Please do!" Olivia asked. "Would you talk with Amanda for a minute while I read to Jesse?"

"Sure Liv!"

"I'm ok!" Amanda insisted, this time with a steady voice. Amanda didn't really decide to bottle everything back inside. It just happened. She'd been doing this during two days. Well, during a lifetime to be honest.

"Liviaaa!" Jesse shouted from the leaving room.

"Go!" Amanda pleaded. A torment of mixed emotions were ravaging her blue eyes but Olivia could read that the only certainty there, was that she didn't want her kids to worry.

It was Olivia's turn to plead now, as she put her phone in Amanda's hands, and held them a little longer than necessary. "Ok. But here, please!"

Avoiding the confrontation, Amanda shortly nodded.

"I'll be right back" Olivia whispered leaving the room, more for her own benefit at this point.

As soon as she left the room though, Amanda quickly explained to Fin that there was no need for him to come and that she was feeling better. Not giving him much of an opportunity to answer, she hung up.

"Both the girls are sound asleep!"

"Thank you Liv. I…" Amanda wasn't sure how to end that sentence. She was feeling much composed than before and yet she was still in the same exact position than earlier "Thanks!"

"Why don't you lie down for a while?!" Olivia suggested

"Cuz I don't need no fucking nap!" The words left her mouth before she even got the chance to swallow them "Sorry.. I'm.." Amanda shrugged. Truth was, she didn't even recognize herself right now.

Olivia offered a comprehensive smile. "What do YOU need then?"

" I don't know!" Amanda whispered, grabbing her head with both her hands.

"Fin's here!" Olivia announced checking her phone.

Amanda should have known he'd come anyway.

"Why don't you and I just… go to my place?! Noah is at a friend's." It was obvious that Amanda wouldn't allow herself to be helped when she had her girls to think about.

The blonde wanted to nod right away, not that she was looking forward for an open-hearted conversation, but she desperately needed some space to process what just happened. The captain smartly used the too long silence at her own advantage. "Come on.. get yourself dressed while I let Fin know he's going to be your babysitter!"

"You guys don't need to.."

Olivia simply reduced the distance and enveloped Amanda into a hug.

Amanda, notwithstanding the astonishment, didn't pull away, feeling that the brunette was the one actually needing the closeness right now. Olivia couldn't say that she had been scared out of her mind, but she just needed a second to express how grateful she felt that her friend and subordinate was indeed safe. With that simple gesture worth a thousand words, Amanda didn't protest anymore. She thanked Fin as well for helping out, and promised to reciprocate whenever he'd need her. It all felt weird, as if, she wasn't really herself and at the same time she didn't know how else to behave. Has she become a stranger to herself now?

* * *

"Can you drive for a little longer?" It was almost cynical that after two days mostly trapped in a car she'd still found the ride soothing.

"Anywhere in particular?" Olivia asked, keeping the focus on the road.

"I'm a terrible mother."

This surely wasn't the starter Olivia had imagined. Trying her best not to sound shocked at the heavy choice of words, Olivia turned her head just for a second, for a confirmation that Amanda was okay. "Honey, it's perfectly understandable that after what you went through, you'd feel a little overwhelmed. You did good though, you called for help right away, you're…"

"No liv, you don't get it!" Amanda curled up in a ball on her seat. Everything about her body language tonight indicated that she needed to feel protected. And yet, her fierce anger didn't seem to agree.

"Then tell me!" Olivia pleaded. Obviously the captain would have preferred a conversation where she could actually meet Amanda's eyes, but sometimes, less is more, or so she learnt.

"Jesse and Billie deserve so much more than what I could ever give them. I'm a screw up Liv!

Amanda was hoping that the good old trick where she pretended to look by the window while she dried her tears would work. She was sincerely wishing that for a minute, she wasn't in a car with Olivia Benson, and that she could keep talking like it was not that big of a deal. It was easier that way. She could allow herself to share if the listener didn't care so much about her. The same way she couldn't handle nice in her romance, she couldn't handle compassion in her friendship. It tasted like self-pity.

Olivia on the other hand, was finding it harder and harder not to sound very concerned for her friend. "Amanda hey.. Your girls don't need you to be perfect. They do need you to be fine though!" She somehow felt that Amanda had so much weight on her chest that it would be best to keep it simple, at least for the time being.

" I know that! That's why.. I started seeing.. doctor Hanover."

"Were you having a little bit of a hard time, honey?" Olivia held her breath for a second, wondering if the question felt too intrusive.

"Hmm no, not really… I mean, not more than I ever did, but I wanted to be better for my girls ya know?" It was getting harder and harder to let the mess of her emotions transform into words she wasn't even sure somebody could really understand. "And now.. I know that I can't… I can't do it.." The admission felt like a defeat: Amanda Rollins would not get better at life, didn't matter how hard she'd try.

There, now Olivia could do her best to prove her wrong. But at least she said it. And it hurt as much as it helped to say the words out loud. At least, she was able to take one full breath deprived from guilt.

Olivia, aching for her friend, parked the car as soon as she was able to. She had been willing not to get too invested at first, but now she absolutely needed to let Amanda know that whatever the reason of the breakdown, she had absolutely no intention to let her deal with it alone. Amanda pushed her hand away though, when the brunette offered it. Any kind of sympathy was not welcome anymore. _She didn't deserve it._

"Honey, let me in!" Olivia implored.

"I can't!" Those dangerous words were running in circle inside her head.

"What happened out there?" Olivia simply asked, a little louder than what she intended to, and it was the exact tone Amanda needed to answer before chewing her words. Even though she was on the defensive, Amanda somehow let Olivia in.

"You said…I had no reason to hate my mother! It hurt when you said that Liv! It hurt so much. But you were right though. I'm just as fucked up as she is."


	4. Chapter 4

_**Hi there! It took me a while to write a new chapter. I was pretty busy but also, I must admit it is kind of hard for me to write when I feel like there isn't much interest about the story. I know I should be writing for me, but the thing is… I am aware I'm not good with actions or descriptions… so.. I don't know…. I'm in a time of self-doubt I guess… anyway… enjoy!**_

If one could measure how many thoughts were running through Olivia's head, they'd probably turn insane. "Amanda.." Truth was, she was at loss for words.

The blonde woman was now staring at her in complete disarray and Olivia knew she had to say something, anything in order to prevent the situation to get even worse.

"m'sorry.." Olivia whispered. A few months ago, when they were waiting to testify about a woman who killed her abusive husband, Olivia had indeed said that Amanda had no reason to hate her mother. Obviously, the way Amanda used the reference tonight was confusing but truth was, the captain realized she may have deeply hurt Amanda's feelings.

"I shouldn't have said that." Olivia's voice broke a little and despite her best efforts, she couldn't manage to withhold her tears.

Amanda and Olivia had been friends for a while now but somehow, Amanda still struggled to really trust her, and the Captain was now devastated that after the intense conversation they had that day in court, she didn't follow up, to make sure no harm was done. Was it funny enough that it was that same exact day that Amanda met Bucci for the first time? Olivia really struggled to stay focused on the here and now, wondering how she could have been a better friend, a better mentor, a better person. At the present time, she had the opportunity to make sure she'd support Amanda though, and here she was, battling herself.

Amanda didn't miss to notice Olivia's nervousness. "I'm the one who's sorry, I talk too much!"

Olivia was about to interrupt but Amanda didn't let her.

"I'm just gonna walk home.. I need the fresh air".

Before she could answer, Olivia grabbed her friend's arm. "Don't go, please, I.." Olivia wished she was faster at swallowing her own tears. "It just hurts to know that I've let you down. I'm fine though and right now, this should be about you. Please don't go. I just need a minute!"

"So do I Liv!" Amanda answered without hiding how tired and in need of space she was. Olivia kept her hand on a protective way over her arm for a few more seconds but realizing how uncomfortable the drained detective was, she withdrew it.

"Let me drive you. I don't feel comfortable living you here in the middle of the night."

"I don't want to be home yet, I'll be fine."

Both women exchanged a look as if they exchanged the weight of life. It was too much for Amanda to bear. "Bye Liv!"

Since it was dark, it took a minute for Amanda to orient herself. Not that she was very interested into knowing where she was, since she had no plan on where to go. Life can be a bitch to those who don't know the way. She was a walking disaster, but at least, in the night, no one could see that. She could cry without bothering anyone. Soon enough though, the anger trapped inside her body was consuming her. Angry at what? At Bucci? A little. She felt for him, but she'd been scared and hasn't said it loud yet. At her mother? Probably. How come she'd never made her feel safe? But mostly, Amanda was angry at herself. What kind of person hates her own mother?! Without realizing it, Amanda skipped from walking to running, from running to sprinting, and finally, from sprinting to collapsing. When her hands hit the cold pavement it was hard to tell if she screamed in agony or distress. Amanda couldn't stop the loud sobbing or the cascade of tears but most importantly, she couldn't fill her lungs with so much needed air. Not that she cared.

"Hey!" She finally heard a familiar voice.

"Amanda are you ok?" Olivia shouted in panic. The silhouette approached at a quick pace. "Are you injured?"

Amanda didn't move an inch though, still crying her heart out.

"Honey!" Olivia exclaimed with concern trying to help Amanda up, before realizing Amanda wouldn't be moving anytime soon. "Ok! Here!" Olivia sat behind Amanda and strongly pulled Amanda against her. "Here you go baby!" She soothed, hoping to provide some security. But the lament became even louder and the crying woman began to shake violently, battling her nerves.

"Shh.. take a deep breath for me!" Olivia instructed.

Noticing how shaky she was made Amanda feel even more panicked.

"Nice and easy, you've got this. You just take a deep breath, right?"

Amanda's trembling and dirty hands made her way to hide her face but Olivia grabbed them midway and held them tightly. "You are ok sweetie, you just take a minute"

* * *

"You followed me". Amanda mumbled as Olivia helped her settle down in the backseat of the car. Amanda's breathing was finally back to normal, but she felt really dizzy and cold, and didn't think she could stand in a sitting position right now.

"Well, do you really think I would have left you out alone in the middle of the night, knowing perfectly well that you're not fine?" Olivia took off her coat and wrapped it around Amanda, like a cover.

"I'm sorry for what I said Liv!" Amanda struggled to keep her eyes open even though her whole body was still trembling like crazy.

"Amanda, I don't think you said anything wrong. And I want to keep talking about that, I do, but right now, I need to make sure that my best friend is well taken care of. Again, are you sure you don't want me to take you to the hospital?" Olivia had to ask even though she already knew the answer.

"Did you mean that?" Amanda asked in astonishment.

"As a matter of fact, I do think you need to be examined by a doctor, thank you for asking!"

With a wave of her hand, Amanda shook Liv's last comment. "Not.. not the doctor part.. the.." She blushed, realizing she couldn't finish her sentence.

"Yes Amanda, I consider you to be my best friend. And I wish I didn't hurt your feelings. But right now, I'm gonna take you home and feed you the breakfast you refused to eat this morning!"

It felt warm to hear that she was Olivia's Benson best friend. She couldn't really believe that obviously, but still, the words felt comforting. "It must be midnight!" Amanda commented, gripping Olivia's jacket a little tighter against her face.

"Well, have you eaten anything since?"

"I couldn't Liv" Amanda admitted in a low voice.

"That's ok honey, I've got you now."

The ride to Olivia's place didn't take more than five minutes, but Amanda had fallen asleep in the back. The brunette didn't have the heart to wake the exhausted woman just yet, so she decided to simply let her friend sleep a few more minutes.


	5. Chapter 5

_**I hope you're all doing fine and that you'll let me know what you think!**_

"So what do you want for breakfast?" The irony of the situation was palpable. It was a little after two AM when the two women entered Olivia's apartment.

Soon enough, Amanda made herself comfortable on the couch. Usually, she'd wait for Olivia to invite her to do so but she felt way too tired for so-called manners.

The emptiness in her eyes was the only answer the exhausted woman could provide, so Liv would have to decide by herself. Eggs were Amanda's favorite but pancake sounded way more comforting.

"There you go!" Olivia announced with a soft voice.

Amanda felt confused for a second. She must have fallen asleep again because when she opened her eyes, an appetizing plate filled with fresh fruits and cinnamon pancakes was waiting for her on the lounge table. The Christmas perfume provided an instant sense of security to Amanda. She wondered why, since it's not like she had any good childhood memory related to that time of the year. Most of the time, those kind of family reunion would turn into predictable disasters.

"Is that ok?" The brunette asked for some kind of validation, still not certain at this point that Amanda would actually eat something.

Amanda was obviously caught up in her mind because again, it took her a while before answering.

"I was so hungry!" She eventually whispered, somehow still caught up into her thoughts.

"Here!" Olivia reached out for Amanda's plate, almost glad to hear that.

"When Bucci.. that's stupid!" She finally realized she was about to share some detail about her abduction and felt embarrassed.

"It's not stupid at all. What were you going to say?" Olivia encouraged. Amanda might not be able to talk about the most traumatic part of what she endured, but it was indeed healthy to start sharing something.

"It had already been a long day and.. I was starving when Bucci decided we would go on a road trip!" Amanda felt foolish to admit that loud. Amongst all the things running through her mind, she was complaining about her empty stomach.

"It had been a long day!" Olivia confirmed indeed.

"Do you feel like eating now?" Olivia tried, adamant to help her friend regain some strength.

"Well, the cinnamon scent is kind of hard to resist!" Amanda chuckled, hoping to ease the mood. She couldn't decide if she was grateful to be at Liv's and enjoy the feeling of someone taking care of her or if she felt ill at ease. Taking one step at the time, all she had to do for now was enjoying some delicious food.

"Thank you Liv. I really needed that!"

"I'm glad you liked them. If you want, I can make some more? Or something else?" Olivia pointed out casually, wanting to make sure Amanda felt satisfied.

"I'm good, thanks though. I should probably check on the girls!?" Even though it was enunciated like a question, it was more of a rhetorical way to let Liv know how guilty she was feeling.

"They're in good hands honey. Fin is taking good care of them!" She reassured.

"Fin is probably asleep in front of the tv as we speak. But you're right.. they're probably better off without me anyway!" Has she spoken out loud again? Damn, she should probably be more careful about how her thoughts were leaving her mouth without filter.

Olivia sighed, obvious worry filling the brown of her eyes. She wasn't sure if it was the right time to dig deeper into Amanda's previous allusion, but she couldn't reasonably pretend she didn't hear Amanda self-depreciation comment again. In order to have a clear reading of her friend's expression, she sat on the coffee table, right in front of Amanda. She could already tell how that move was making the blonde detective nervous. They knew each other too well for those kind of games. "Would you like to talk about what happened earlier?.. Or is it better if we chat in the morning?"

Amanda wanted to say that there was nothing to talk about. But again, she was too exhausted to deflect, when both women pertinently knew Olivia would not let that go. So she stayed silent instead, hoping once again, that Olivia would decide for her.

"Why don't we go change into some nice warm pajamas?" Funny enough, it was Olivia's turn to change subject. Even though it was her way to not overwhelm her friend, Amanda couldn't help but smirk.

"You know what Liv, I don't trust my brain right now. I don't want to say things I may regret." It came out as the perfect answer to avoid any conversation but a perplex Olivia rose an eyebrow.

"Are you.. angry at me?" The brunette shyly asked.

"Angry at what?! I'm just tired is all!" Amanda stood awkwardly in front of Olivia's bedroom door waiting for Liv to give her something to wear for the night.

After the conventional discussion on who would take the couch, they both agreed to share the bed.

After half an hour of tossing though, Amanda couldn't find the right position for her mind to stop rushing.

"You ok?"

"M'good."

"Are you lying?"

"Yeah."

Olivia turned on the bedside lamp.

"Honey, what's the matter? How can I help?"

Amanda was turned on her side but Olivia didn't miss to notice the single tear she was trying to wipe.

"I'm just a little cold." Her shaky tone could indeed confirm the statement, but it wasn't all there was.

"Let me find you another blanket!" Olivia was quick on her feet, but stopped when she noticed Amanda trying to speak again.

"Actually.. would it be weird if… I borrowed your jacket.. from before?" Amanda was grateful for the obscurity of the room that hid a little bit of her shame.

Olivia felt her own heart shrinking at those simple words. She took a deep and silent breath to steady her voice before speaking. "Would you like me to hold you?" She asked in a maternal manner.

Amanda hesitated. Did she deserve that level of reassurance, when she was nothing but a mess? She nodded anyway. Liv was the only person she'd trusted right now even though she did feel foolish at how needy she was being.

Olivia, honored with the faith her friend was placing in her, made her way back under the covers and moved closer to Amanda. Carefully, she extended her arms to hug her friend. "Is that ok?" Olivia asked.

"Yes." Amanda responded with sadness "I'm sorry", she felt the urge to add.

"Oh honey, I'm the one who's sorry. You were right, I don't get to have an opinion on what you think about your mother." Olivia explained matter-of-factly.

Amanda, on the other hand, was still caught up on her own insecurity and the revelation she had when she was in the motel with Bucci. Maybe, if she was in another state of mind, she would have been able to acknowledge Liv's words, but right now, she couldn't believe them even if she wanted to. She took a deep breath that hurt more than what she expected.

"Do you think because of me Jesse and Billie will grow up to believe they don't deserve to be happy?"

Tenderly, Olivia ran her left hand through the blonde's hair, and Amanda close her eyes in appreciation. "Your little girls have something you never had honey."

"What's that?"

"Safety! When you hold them, when you care for them, in everything that you do, the intent is very clear: you want to see them happy. How can they not grow up to believe they deserve the best?. I don't worry for one bit about your girls honey. I do worry about you right now, though." Olivia admitted sincerely, still trying her best to provide some warmth.

"I'm ok" She wasn't even sure why kept repeating this. It sounded absurd at this point.

As long as she spent her days running away from herself, she could function. Being in a motel though, motionless and deprived of control may have had some unpredictable effects on her. For starters, the version of herself she was running away from may have caught up with her. Secondly, she has been scared for her life. She couldn't process everything at once. As a matter of fact, she couldn't process anything at all right this moment. "I don't know Liv. I'm just confused" she finally added, this time with sincerity.

"That's fine if you are. Whatever you feel has the right to be. But whatever you think isn't certainly true honey.

"If I can just keep my mouth shut, it's gonna be fine then." Sassy Amanda was still there and somehow, it made Liv smile.

"You can tell me anything, anytime. But for the record, I believe you are the most brave, capable, sensitive woman I know. So I might have a hard time agreeing with those awful thoughts about yourself"

"You forgot stubborn… I can get you to understand how much of a mess I am." Amanda's breathing was getting deeper but she couldn't help but resist the need to close her eyes.

"You're ok sweetie, let yourself fall asleep!" Olivia whispered more and more gently, making sure her friend felt safe and sound.


End file.
